THE PATTI LUPONE PROPHECY

I had a dream, a dream about you baby.

It's gonna come true, baby.

They think that we're through...

GYPSY! The Musical

I had this horrible dream a couple nights ago, starring the Tony winning toast of New York, Patti Lupone.  It was the classic actor's nightmare- I had to go on last minute for Gypsy Rose Lee and didn't know the lines, couldn't remember if I knew how to sing, or how I had somehow ended up as an understudy for a Broadway musical in the first place.  To complicate things, instead of fessing up to the pitbullish stage manager demanding I go get fit for my costume, I decided I would fake it instead.  How hard could it be?  

And as is true with all my anxiety theatre dreams, I searched for a script backstage to learn the lines before curtain but it was too dark.  I'm too blind to find anything by the red lights that all actors nocturnal eyes have adapted to navigate "the wings".

I never have actor dreams when I'm actually doing a show in real life.  I dream of waitressing.  And likewise, if I'm waiting tables in real life, I toss and turn all night with visions of choking on stage.  It's classic transference.  There's probably some actor having it right now as I type.

But there's one way in which this dream was different.  After realizing there was no way I could pull off learning a play, numerous musical numbers, and various dance routines in 30 minutes, Patti Lupone appeared.  She was warming up- doing scales and stretching- saw that I was frantic, and asked, "What's up kid?", in that salty old NY stage actor way.  

Omigod, I thought Mama Rose is talking to me.  Evita just asked me a direct fucking question.  She looked more Italian up close somehow, older.  This is one of those weird disappointments, seeing a face up close that's meant to seen from the back of the house.

And maybe it was because I was starstruck, perhaps it was sheer admiration, or maybe I didn't want to ruin the show, I blurted out, half crying, 

"Patti," the P utterly popping in my ears, "Patti, I don't think I should be here.  To be honest, I have no idea how I got here.  I'm not prepared.  I don't know how this could have happened.  If you knew me at all, you'd know I'm the consummate profession-"

But before I could finish groveling, Ms. Lupone forcefully slammed me up against the wall.  Knocked the wind straight out of me.  I was more shocked by her superhuman strength, than being assaulted by Broadway star.

I don't remember her exact words, only that her verbal assault was even more powerful than her body check.  

I closed my eyes, prepared to take it.  She was right after all.  How dare I?  Who did I think I was?  Yes, Ms. Lupone, there were indeed thousands of girls ready to take my place.....

And here's the truly terrifying part, as I timidly opened my eyes with the  snarling Patti berating me, she was foaming at the mouth.  Completely rabid.

And that's where I decided to wake up.  It was one of those swimming through honey, trying to reach the surface for air kind of waking up panics.  And two days later, I'm still thinking about it.